Too bad, so sad…giving the smackdown 6: Dawn Eden doesn’t like sex, and neither should we.

Did you know that chastity before marriage is what all the cool kids are doing? Well, did you? Don’t feel bad. Neither did I. Obviously, most of us missed the boat on that particular trend- about 90% of us.

No, really, don’t feel bad, because here comes Dawn Eden! She’s the author of the new book, “The Thrill of the Chaste: Finding Fulfillment While Keeping Your Clothes On“. In a new interview on Salon.com (daily site pass required), Rebecca Traister dissects the overwhelming wisdom of this re-virginated wunderkind. Hey, did you know…

“…the nature of sex is it’s a physically sacrificing act: I give myself entirely to [my lover]. If you’re giving your entire body to a person without giving yourself emotionally, you’re creating a dichotomy. You’re setting yourself up to compartmentalize all your relationships into transactions.”

No, you didn’t know that, either? Well, that makes two of us.

It seems that Dawn Eden (a name that, I’m sure, makes porn stars green with envy) was an unabashedly slutty miss in her 20s, found religion, and became the poster child for reconstituted virgins everywhere. She hasn’t had sex since 2003, and constantly applauds herself for this. Right now, she’s in a relationship with a man that is also chaste, and boy, those trips to Vicky’s Secret must be murder *rimshot*!

What is annoying about this woman is that she has moments of lucidity. Take this quote, for example:

Who is your ideal reader for your book?

A woman who’s been dating and likely been sexually active, and who finds that the kind of lifestyle she’s been told would bring her closer to happiness — and I don’t even mean just casual sex, but a woman who has had some monogamous relationships that were sexual that didn’t pan out — and who doesn’t feel she is any closer to having the marriage she wants. Instead of following the pop-culture prescription, to single-mindedly pursue a man who’s going to make you happy, I am suggesting women should be singular and concentrate on being the best people they can be and displaying grace as individuals and as women. In doing that they will become more giving, more appreciative of everyone around them, so not only will they be better able to have meaningful friendships and relationships, but they will also be able to enjoy this time they have as singular women.

See, that’s not so bad! I believe I’ve said nearly the same thing in some of my other postings. It’s true that it takes being your best self to be happiest in a relationship, and that building one’s personal life up is a great, great thing. But, then the crazy sets in:

Is it your belief that every woman goes into romantic, sexual or flirtatious encounters with that same level of anxiety about her own self worth?

No. I don’t believe every woman goes into it the same way. But I believe the act of sex and the act of separation after sex causes a woman to feel attached, and she can respond to that in different ways. She can try to do like Carrie Bradshaw and have sex like a man, without attachment, or she can try to hold on to the man. I tried it both ways and found that for me, trying to have sex like a man didn’t work; I still felt attached. And even in those times, like with Tom, where the man was willing to stay with me and wanted to marry me — I had a sense that our relationship was based on the wrong foundation: that I had slept with him too soon and that we wouldn’t be able to have the kind of real love that I wanted. But I didn’t know how to change things once we had started having sex. [Someone once said to me], “Well you can’t just deny a man sex!” The message to me as a single woman having had sex too early in relationship was that if I stepped back, it meant I was somehow denying the man.

We won’t go into the fact that it’s Samantha, not Carrie, that humps a wide swath through New York’s most fashionable. What we will go into, however, is the fact that it seems she threw away a perfectly nice relationship with a man because- correct me if I’m wrong- she was uncertain that she was enough of a catch on her own merits. Instead of just trusting the man and building a relationship on truth, Ms. Eden decided to bow out with the lame excuse of, “Ooooh! I fucked him too early! Now he’ll hate meeeeeee. He never said it, but I know that’s what he thinks! I’m going to run!” No, dear, that’s not him talking. That’s your piteous lack of self-esteem and trust.

It seems that Ms. Eden equated her self-worth with the number of bed partners she was able to nab. Many women do this, and it’s very sad, but not every one. It doesn’t matter to her, though; Dawn Eden speaks in absolutes, marking every sexually active single woman as somehow inherently flawed and weakened in the eyes of men.

Another thing that Dawn Eden likes to do is apologize. A lot. Several times, in fact, as if she’s still waiting for approval. It’s like she can’t make a strong stand for what she thinks, or for what she’s said in the past. She runs a popular pro-chastity, anti-feminist blog, on which she’s cast aspersions on the childless. Rebecca Traister calls her on this:

As someone who says she doesn’t want to have children, I find it odd that you have felt comfortable tossing the word “childless” around as an epithet at some of your on-line feminist blogging adversaries.

Can I apologize for that? It’s Christmastime and it’s a good time to apologize. I really am sorry because it’s not right to toss that as an epithet. If I wanted to make a comment, I could say that it’s easy for someone who doesn’t have kids to make generalizations about people who have kids. But to just toss around “childless” like it’s some kind of pejorative is wrong.

Another instance? Oh, sure:

OK, but I don’t feel like I have any friends with whom I have those transactional relationships you describe.

I think I was too judgmental earlier by implying that people who are unchaste can’t have deep friendships. If it were possible for me to take a red pen to this interview I’d put a red line through that. That’s one of those bold generalizations that should never come out of my mouth. And I apologize…I feel bad that I rambled when I was talking about my friends Janet and Kate. I made it sound like they’re not good friends to me and that I’m above them because I somehow know how to be friends, and that’s just so wrong. Literally when I go into the confessional today I’m going to confess puffing myself up and pretending that I’m a better friend than my friends. Because these are friends who probably would have put themselves on the line for me much more than I would have for them. The real quote is that I am simply better capable of being a friend now. But not that they weren’t good friends.

I’m wondering if she’d like a spiked flogger, for when she flagellates herself through her hair shirt.

Going back a quote or two, I’d like to address her utterly sad and piteously dependent views on motherhood and marriage. This woman is a cautionary tale for all single gals out there.

The real elephant in the middle of room with regard to my book is the fact that I never discuss what is going to become of me if I don’t get married. The reason why is because as I was writing, I didn’t want to think of what would become of me if I didn’t get married. It was too frightening to imagine.

(snip)

And if you never get married you’re committed to not having sex for the rest of your life?

I am committed because I believe that, as Christopher West said, when you have sex outside of marriage, you’re telling lies with your body. And I can tell the truth with my body to people all day just by giving them love. I can spend time with my friends, I can volunteer, I can actually try to be nice to people at my work. And all these things are very truthful, and I’m getting a lot more pleasure and happiness and joy than I would if I were just jumping into bed with some guy who didn’t value me enough to say vows.

(snip)

I’ve never really wanted children. With my parents having divorced when I was a kid, I never had a fervent desire to have children. I was afraid of not being a good mother. I have to say now because of my faith — and you can hear me swallowing here — I don’t believe in using contraception. What I would hope is if I do marry someone I love, that in being loved by him I will feel more confident in my abilities to be a good mom. I’m certainly better mother material now than I was five or 10 years ago. God willing, my heart will change more, and I’ll want kids more, when opportunity comes.

I think that Margaret Sanger is spinning in her grave. Hard. Double time.

Let’s get this straight. You don’t think enough of your sex drive, your clitoris (Spirit’s gift to women!), or your own emotional well-being to learn some moderation? Because, honey, let me tell you…a stupid piece of paper from City Hall isn’t going to make things perfect. Being a wife is fraught with its own perils, as well. I don’t know from experience, and I don’t know if I ever will, but there are so many societal pitfalls in the word “wife” that it seems the height of folly to think that that will bring complete fulfillment.

Dawn Eden approaches her possible spinsterhood like a stoic, and speaks like a true avoidant. It’s a fact that the general kindness that we show in our daily lives is not as satisfying as the intensely pleasurable feelings produced by a good screw, or a deeply passionate kiss. Saying that taking your cubicle mate’s mail to the mail chute substitutes for an orgasm is the worst kind of prevarication.

She also has the utter vanity and selfishness to admit that she’ll grin and bear motherhood. I’m sorry, but motherhood is not something to be merely tolerated. Either a woman likes it, or she doesn’t. If a woman falls into the “don’t” category, as she does, she shouldn’t have rug rats because they will drive her to drink. Or hit. Or snap. Or any number of things. They won’t spawn a perfect mom, that’s for sure.

Another point is that a man’s love can’t suddenly download parenting skills into your cranium. Look, speedy knowledge downloading is great, but only in The Matrix, where you can do kung fu and drive a helicopter on the fly.

Would you want to be her man? All of that pressure would be ridiculous, to say the least. She pretty much lives for the notice of a man. His notice will make her matter in the world. And that’s that. That is how it should be for everyone. How can a man grow in a relationship, if all of his time is spent watering this clinging limpet’s seed, rather than his own? Stepford wives are the first ones that get cheated on, because they have no spark! A man doesn’t always want to be the head of everything, unless he’s got power issues and insecurities of his own that necessitate severely controlling behavior.

What Dawn Eden shows me is that guilt is a bitch. That’s what it comes down to, really. I’m guessing that she can compartmentalize her experiences in any healthy fashion. There’s not any religious burden there (she was a reformed Jew. Her actual last name is Goldstein). There is no grey area for her. It’s either hooooor!, or Sister Dawn. This is behavior that is very common among rabidly “moral” people: if they can’t have a clean conscience in a world of freedom, then decent humanity certainly can’t. Everything she says is laden with shame, embarrassment, and a reluctance to accept her past for what it is. Right now, it’s a pretty useful tool to blame her horrid spinsterhood on. It’s also great fodder for a publishing deal.

Dawn Eden, darling…your clit isn’t the Devil. Sex is a gift that men and women were given, and is one of life’s greatest mysteries. And, oh…Jesus might have had sex. Thought you might want to know. Too bad, so sad.

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~ by isiskali on December 23, 2006.

8 Responses to “Too bad, so sad…giving the smackdown 6: Dawn Eden doesn’t like sex, and neither should we.”

  1. Definitely a case of too much thinking, not enough doing…

  2. SO, you are not really going celibate? Wooo… you had me scared. Look, it isn’t my place to comment on this femee POV, but I have had better friendships with women I don’t have sex with… However, it’s just because I want to have sex with them or they want to have sex with me. My bottom-line is if you are seeking a long-term relationship, you better have the “like” and “enjoy” thing down or they will find a new partner who they do like and enjoy more than you. Sex and relatioships are not the same thing… this girl clearly didn’t understand that and found her weakness in thinking that her submitting/giving herself was something special and she is now trying to say that everyone suffers from the same weakness. Fuck, enjoy, but use a condom. If relationships were all about having or not having sex, married couples would all have chapped lips and walk with a limp and there would be no divorce. And if waiting to have sex was all about having a perfect marriage and relationships, we wouldn’t need christian lawyers. I do say that you should not get fucked by lawyers, stay legally chaste.

  3. This reminds me of a pretty at my job. Religiously committed to shuttin’ off her sexual valves but so hot if you touch her she’d hit a nut right then and there. I mean, it’s all in her face…talk about frustration! She seems to be waitin’ for the “right guy” as well; the one who will love her as she feels she needs to be loved, live life accordin’ to the laws of the Lord, what have you. And THEN she’ll hit him off.

    If she’s like this Dawn chick, heaven help her. Hard to believe she wrote a book…a whole freakin’ book!… on how emotionally uptight she is.

    Man, if we all did that, bookstores would be crammed to the gills in the self-help section!

    I think I got about 7 bestsellers in me!

    Uncle/Achtung!

  4. I know. She’s a mess! I mean, how can you really fully be a human being if you don’t embrace your carnal side? Well, I suppose that, if you have no sense of moderation, you can’t…

    She still sucks.

  5. i kinda understand what she is saying…i think it is meant for the wilder,faster people that let their sex drive dictate there choices and decisions…
    or like when ur just friends with someone from the opposite sex,you tend to learn/know more about there person than if you were physical with them…i dunno,i confused myself

  6. […] Too bad, so sad…giving the smackdown 6: Dawn Eden doesn’t like sex, and neither should we. […]

  7. Margaret Sanger, spinning in her grave? Ah, yes, that must be because her designs to legislate racial, ethnic and religious sterilization have not yet panned out. I will tell you who is spinning in the grave. It’s your ancestors, and any other American’s ancestors who died in the shadow that Sanger’s pseudo-scientific arch-racism cast over the land for at least a generation. Perhaps on the Continent she would not be spinning so fast, seeing as her ideas made a real splash under Hitler. Let the ashes of the Jews be an eternal shrine to the unwisdom of Sanger and the Sangerites.

    As for the “balanced” woman of “modern” life, being “restrained” about sex gives away the whole game to the likes of Ms Eden. The carnal side is never just a side. That is its nature: taking all, carnivorous of any other impulses. Hannibal Lecter would be similarly puzzled: How can you be a whole person without enjoying other people’s sides? Natural impulses are not self-justifying; self-justifying, however, is all too natural. Your post being one long exercise in self-admiration.

    And as for your inability to enjoy caring for or sharing with others (while fully clothed and no one inside either’s lips) as much as sucking them off or being pumped, well, you speak volumes about yourself, and very little about the principles Ms. Eden lives by. Pitying her, clucking your tongue this whole post, is a mere series of baffled grunts emitted by someone who is outraged at a lifestyle so bizarre yet that actually makes Ms. Eden happy, and, by the effects of her writing, makes others happy. Her message in no way impinges on your romp through other people’s gonads, so it is curious why you lift her so high as a pariah. My hunch is that by showing how “pathetic” she is, you only enhance the gleam on your own ego. Grrrl power and all the rest. Congratulations for exulting in turning sex into a vessel of death: what can I get from sex, who can I et it from, how can I minimize damage to myself even if not to my “partner”, and how can I keep my uterus as impregnably unimpregnated as possible?

  8. hi!.. useful post…… I post at this place because you maybe be able to help me. I know, it’s not the exactly exactly place to post but ,…, I try to find a extremely free hosting company that accept Mysql. Do you know a great host or better a wonderful free hosting list or something like that… etc.. for what I wish ? only another thing: Do you know free without ads hosting ?? How have you built your blog ? Bye

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