When the heart is a blank slate

The heart can go into stasis. It’s not frozen, but it’s not comfortable exploring the possibilities, either. When this state happens, it means a lot…or, nothing at all. A temporarily unfeeling heart can be a great, wonderful gift, and I’ll tell you why.

My love life has never really ran smoothly. My longest relationship lasted two weeks shy of one year. Most of the men in my life came in, and left just as quickly. I was naive about some things, and jaded about others. The combination made for a lot of confusion in my soul about what it was I really wanted and deserved.

Funny enough, in times of crisis, I end up finding a man. It’s funny, that. I’m probably more able to be vulnerable during those times, and therefore more accessible. However, right now, in a time of near-crisis, I have no need of a companion. It’s as if I’ve finally learned to take the energy I’ve spent yearning and wishing into something more productive. Notice I didn’t say more positive; I don’t wish to pass negative judgment on wishes and dreams, simply because they’re so necessary. They have their place, though, and learning how to compartmentalize makes it possible to enjoy fantasizing at a convenient time.

Everyone goes through certain times in their lives where they realize that, “Hey, it’s been a year since I’ve had sex, and I don’t miss it.” Or, they think about the last time they had a crush, and can’t remember the guy or gal’s face. I’ve reached that stage of detachment right now, and let me tell you…I think it’s one of the best things that ever happened to me.

The heart gets to a point where it just surrenders. Surrender, in this case, doesn’t equal breakage. It doesn’t equal destruction. It is acceptance. Surrender means that you can look at someone as they are, without being dazzled by their physical appearance, status, or dance moves. The ego has fallen to the wayside, along with a great deal of vanity and pride. You have nothing to hide during that stasis time, because you finally feel that you exist in the truest form you’ve ever experienced. You put everything on the table, but can guard it at the same time.

It’s as if I’m not reaching or trying so hard, and that’s nice. It doesn’t matter if the phone rings, because you have accepted that it might not. You’ve also accepted that it might. But, you’ve made a transition into a place where your eyes and senses know only the present, and your energy focuses on that. The other things are just that…things. They add to your enjoyment, but they shouldn’t become your enjoyment.

Also, intuition kicks into high gear at this time in life. The need to satisfy the ego is less than it used to be. I used to call this state apathy (I’ve been in it before), and I fought it tooth and nail. Denying this natural state, though, brings you people that are pretty crappy. When you’re in a fight with yourself to prove something, or are dead-set on showing the outside world that you’re not a reject, you’ll pull someone to you that is just what you need on the shallowest of levels. Your gut could be telling you, “NONONO!”, but you don’t want to hear that, because you don’t want to be alone. Self-gratification is key, and there’s no listening to the needs of your present existence.

I’ve surrendered. I don’t care so much about putting on a show for anyone. It doesn’t matter to me if I have the hottest arm candy in the room. Instead, I care about whether he turns me on by his speech, his body, his touch, his mind. That’s what I look for. I have just decided to accept what comes. No more fighting, no more agony, and no more loneliness. How can you be lonely when you choose to be alone? Solitude is nothing to be afraid of, though people will do anything in order to avoid their own company.

What does pop up sometimes are the ego needs. Hell, no one’s a saint. I get jealous when I hear that one friend has men who want to take her places and give her things, with another saying that she can’t wait to get home so that she can get laid. I think, “Damn! What the hell is wrong with me, that I can’t find this same situation?” And I’ll lose my focus and try to find a man to indulge me and whims. But I never find anyone. I’m not supposed to. The time isn’t right. I come back to my senses, and I accept my wholeness, and I drop my ego. I keep seeking my own answers to my own problems in my life. In other words, I become centered again.

I think I’m near the point of being able to take on a companion without losing myself. That’s the point of these freeze periods! Those times happen when you’re being pushed past your boundaries. When you hits your limits, and can go past them and still be as flexible as a piece of the thinest plastic, you’ve reached a point of balance and stasis. Otherwise, you’ll kinda get whacked, and you may not be as flexible and accepting of change and challenge- which means you’ll break. I was taking on someone else when I was broken, and thinking that they could fix the breach, when they couldn’t do any such thing. Now, I know that I can stretch. I still have a breaking point, but I’m more resilient. I can accept someone else without using them as filler. So, I think I’m ready.

I’ve said many times in these blogs that it’s so important that we see mates as being wonderful gifts and accents, not necessities. It’s work to get to that point, though, because you have to accept so many things about yourself and your true spirit. Surrendering and meditating on the center brings you to a point of emptiness. From that point, you look at the world through new eyes. That’s when signals come through the universe to your eyes, ears, and mind…and eventually, to your heart.

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41 Things, 12/11,06: They Stay, They Go

 

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~ by isiskali on December 15, 2006.

6 Responses to “When the heart is a blank slate”

  1. […] Heh. Funny. I just wrote a blog about that (sorry if the link is self-promoting, but I SWEAR it’s exactly about just this thing). Get outta my head! I’m fine alone, but I’m fine with someone. Almost. I’m getting there. __________________ Join me, and live the Lush Life! Read my blog! […]

  2. Whoa.

    Once again you hit the proverbial nail on the head. Before I go on, this post reminded me of the time when I was married and I wanted to smash (her name here) in the worst way. You know the phrase: “If I wasn’t tied down she’d be HIT!” Now that I actually have clearance…nothin’. Her Name Here is still bangin’ and all that, but the urge is gone. Not even a “too late now” thang…just, gone.

    I won’t lie, I still have some urges (as you acutely pointed out) but the need to get with that person is nowhere near as strong as it was a year ago. No, I didn’t let how I looked slow me down mentally (if anything, it made me work that much harder)…I assumed I was just gettin’ up there in age. Turns out it’s what you wrote. Urges aside, it feels real good that I won’t break down into a state of boo-hoos ’cause I can’t get with someone, or to even HAVE to be with someone. I enjoy my own company thoroughly; as you also so eloquently stated, you can be alone and not be lonely. This is not to say I won’t be tryin’ to get with anyone down the line…just doin’ *that* is so much fun!…it just won’t be out of sheer desperation and need.

    Keep the lessons comin’.

    Uncle/Achtung.

  3. Thank you so much for your great insight and being able to put into words and into the light, the wonderful state of a quiet, centered heart. I have also noticed that I attract horrible, damaging people in my life when I am not centered. I tend to let my imagination fill in the blanks and believe everything a person tells me and twist it to fit in my little scenario.
    Last time I allowed an ugly frog into my life, I almost lost the will to live on, it was after the death of a parent and I was too emotionally weak to judge him by his actions.
    I could not understand why this emotional blow was hitting me so hard at a time when I couldn t have been more fragile, now I realize that it came at a time when the learning would impact me the most. I have made the conscious decision to select people in my life more carefully and know that I will never allow anyone to promise me the moon unless I have the certainty they have built a spaceship that has my name on it.

  4. *hugs to c33*

    Good for you. It’s great that you made a conscious effort to use your pain in a positive fashion. That’s wonderful!!

  5. […] When the heart is a blank slate […]

  6. Hi,
    I found your blog via google by accident and have to admit that youve a really interesting blog 🙂
    Just saved your feed in my reader, have a nice day 🙂

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