Women Come In 12 Flavors: Female Stereotypes in Urban Culture
While playing around with the word “Gold-digger” on Technorati last night, I stumbled upon the following blog entry. A fresh search today yielded about 5 additional blogs with the same list, and I didn’t have the heart to count the rest. All of the blogs hosting the list are owned by young Black men and women. At first, I didn’t take it seriously, and hoped that it was just someone’s bad idea for a joke. However, the replies I saw disproved my theory, as you’ll see in a future entry.
People actually chose and rated themselves based on this list. For real. Seriously. In earnest.
There seemed to be a universal agreement that this is the way things are, and that it was okay for women to be categorized by severe, hateful values that separate females into virgins and whores. To be exact, 25% virgins, 75% whores.
I’m just going to go down the list and comment on the different points. Get comfortable…it’s going to be a bumpy ride.
The 12 Types of Females
1. Ms. Gold-Digger
a. You have some one to manage your money.
b. She always looks good.
c. She makes your other niggas jealous.
d. She makes you look good.
What first jumps out at me is the utter selfishness of the writer. The author must be about two years old, because all four points are about “Memememe!” Also, note the abandonment of responsibility to the woman – ultimately, a point to be ridiculed and looked down upon as being mercenary. We shall call him “Dear Author”, because he is anything but.
Let’s keep a running tab of certain things in this list. One- how many women will make the man look good. Two, how many times a woman is illustrated as a catalyst for the destruction of friendship bonds, and an instrument of betrayal.
Yoko One Syndrome (named after the ultimate friendship killer): 1
a. When you get broke she’ll be gone and take what you have left.
b. She makes sure she has a child by you to sue you for child support.
c. Once your nigga comes up she’ll be on his arm the next day.
The first point is moot. If you’re old enough to date, you’re old enough to make your own choices. It’s your wallet, so you have the responsibility to draw the line at your expenditures. If a man is stupid enough to spend his hard-earned cash on an unappreciative woman to the point of penury, who’s fault is that? Gold-digging, at it’s source, is a mutually parasitic thing, not symbiotic. A symbiotic relationship is one that’s positive, with both parties in improved circumstances resulting from shared resources.
What I mean by mutually parasitic is that, while the woman benefits from monetary and material gains, the man benefits by having control and power over her. Perhaps Ms. Gold-digger has willingly relinquished this control, and he willingly hands over the money, but both actions lead to nothing concrete, and nothing positive at the end. If she wants to leave, she’s once again taken control of her destiny…which is seen as being selfish. If he wants to break it off, he leaves Ms. Gold-digger short (this is a bit less of a blow than the first, though, because these relationships always end at some point. It’s usually not a surprise, and the woman has saved up some of her money).
The second point is just implausible. If Ms. Gold-digger’s leaving, Dear Author is probably broke, right? What is she suing him for? Lawyers also cost money, which she no longer has. Plus, if she’s leaving, ostensibly for greener pastures, wouldn’t she want to be unencumbered by a baby? Does Ms. Gold-digger really want to be running around with a belly full of stretch marks? Is she really looking forward to single-handedly putting little Peaches through school? I don’t think so. And Dear Author should be paying for his baby in the first place! There are too, too many single Black moms out there, left penniless, in the cold. If you don’t want to come up against this possibility, wear a rubber.
Once again, responsibility goes out the window.
Yoko Ono Syndrome: 2
2. Ms. Freak (secret lover)
a. She knows all the right positions.
b. She’ll try everything more than once.
c. You’re never unsatisfied.
d. She’ll do all the things your girl won’t do.
e. She doesn’t mind being your freak, as long as she catches one too.
Now available at your local Family Dollar: The SupaWhore 5000! She knows the Kama Sutra, doesn’t scream when you fuck her ass without preparation, and will make sure you shoot like Charlton Heston at an NRA meeting. How novel for Dear Author. Plus, it seems that Dear Author’s satisfaction is job one for this girl. A good catch, right? Although, watch out…it’ll be a bad day for you when Ms. Freak inevitably asks for sex when you don’t want it. I suppose she shouldn’t. After all, it’s all about you.
Your girlfriend will be so proud. Oh, wait! I think we have a broken agreement here…lack of committment to a relationship, I would call it. And, perhaps, a raging case of ghonnasyphilAIDS.
a. Eventually, b/c she’s a female, she’ll end up catching feelings.
b. She starts to act like she’s your “main”.
c. She fucks wit ya boy and act like you in the wrong for telling her that she’s a freak.
d. Eventually her shit gets old. And you need a replacement.
This is the profile of the Hooker With A Heart Of Gold, right? She takes care of the man selflessly, gives of her body, and her jaded libido is so shaken to the core that she actually has an orgasm. Of course, she must be cast as the tragic character who watches the hero ride off into the sunset to woo his paragon. This is a classic virgin vs. whore scenario, where the sexually active and adventurous woman is penalized for, perhaps, caring about someone who has entered her body once or twice. This woman who has given you pleasure has forgotten her place, and her sadly human need for affection and caring get to be too much for the hero. It’s all Ms. Freak’s fault that she “copped feelings”, and it’s not his responsibility.
Word of the day? Responsibility! I think I’ll highlight it from now on.
And, what is it to be a freak? It was great when Ms. Freak was a freak for you. You rejected her real self because she stopped being just an empty pussy, so she moved on to someone that, perhaps, wouldn’t do the same thing. Now, she’s a freak again…but it’s turned into an insult. Which way do you want it, Dear Author? The whore tried to be a virgin for you, but you didn’t want that.
3. Ms. Independent
a. You don’t have to worry about buying her anything. She got it.
b. She’s intelligent, sassy, confident and determined.
c. She’s great for (business) conversation.
d. She keeps it real and has goals.
e. She knows how to please a man.
What a relief! A woman who doesn’t want your money. Ms. Independent’s dry and a buzzkill, though, because she lacks that needy edge that the others have. This sounds like many of the young Black women of today: college degree or dynamo resume, their own paychecks, their own home, set goals, healthy self-esteem, and polished speech. Yet…wait for it…
a. She will continuously let you know, that she can handle it on her own.
b. She will eventually say fuck you and get a dildo.
c. She will consider you another one her play toys, or goals.
I can understand that it would be hard for a man without much to offer to be of use to a woman who has her act together. Ladies, this is why I’m a staunch advocate of NOT SETTLING FOR LESS THAN WHAT YOU DESERVE. This isn’t a warning to “marry up” into a higher tax bracket, but a warning to link yourself with someone that actually has things to contribute to your life to make it better. You don’t need someone who can’t keep up with your conversations, or can’t come to a dinner party with you because they don’t own anything but some ratty FUBU. You’re better off with the dildo. This ignoramus will only serve to bore you in bed while he recites repugnant R. Kelly lyrics and pistons you like a rabbit in order to get his own rocks off. Meanwhile, you’re attempting to reach the energy of his root chakra in order to link your centers and raise your kundalini. Don’t. Bother.
Having a fulfilling relationship and doing all that one can to work toward that is a very, very worthy goal.
4. Ms. Dyme
a. She’s top of the line. (For me?)
b. She stays looking like a fantasy. (I hope that’s for me.)
c. She has the body of a goddess with the face to match. (She betta be lookin’ good for JUST me.)
d. She considers herself a “model”. (But, other people think she looks good, too…uh oh…)
e. Gets you on hard whenever you see her. (Fuck…I don’t know if I can have her. But, I gotta.)
f. All the girls envy her, but she doesn’t care. (She’s gotta be mine. I want people to be jealous.)
Ms. Dyme sounds confident and self-assured, and very attractive to boot. Uh, oh! Notice my edits up top. The man, no doubt, wishes that all of this work was done to please him, but he knows that she does these things to please herself. Ms. Dyme is no fool.
a. She’s superficial. She cares only about her looks.
b. She honestly lacks confidence and will annoy you about the way she looks.
c. She’s probably dumb as hell and if she’s not her personality is dry.
d. You have to constantly keep your game up b/c every nigga is gonna try to get her.
Notice that Dear Author hasn’t once mentioned ways that she would go out of her way please him. Therefore, she’s a selfish tramp. There’s a lack of confidence there…how? Does this woman want appreciation from him? No doubt. It takes work to look good, and we love it when a man compliments us, or can’t keep his hands off because we look so nice. That seems to be too much effort, though. Add to that the amount of upkeep he’d have to do on himself in order to keep her interested, and Ms. Dyme’s just not worth it. After all, Dear Author may have strive to make some sort of equality happen, here.
Looks: 6…a huge 5 item jump!
5. Ms. Tomboy
a. She’s cool and laid back.
b. She’ll be willing to play rough with you.
c. Of course, she loves sports.
d. Her body is athletically divine.
e. She’s easy to talk to and fun to be around.
f. She’s a diamond in the rough.
Ms. Tomboy’s fun but, like the Dyme, Dear Author will have to work. He can’t hide behind those stereotypical male things, because she’ll know more than him, and he’ll feel stupid. However, if Dear Author browbeats her enough, Ms. Tomboy will turn insipid and silly, just the way he wants her to.
a. She’ll remind you too much of your nigga.
b. She might not want to change her appearance.
c. She might actually beat you in basketball, football and track.
Nice to know I’m right. Sigh. Can’t we ladies be just as beautiful in our jeans and tank tops? I know that it’s really nice to see a dressed up woman on your arm, but that’s just not comfortable after a full day’s work. It’s hard to get your heart rate up on the elliptical machine if you’re wearing a miniskirt. It’s really hard to run fast and do hurdles in them, too. Aaaaah. I think I’ve got it figured out.
Restrictions = femininity.
6. Ms. Ghetto
a. She’s not afraid of any other female or male. She will fight to keep you.
b. She’s down for you. She’ll be there to bail you out of jail.
c. She’s always stays fresh.
d. She can cook up a storm. She can make the best out of a bad situation.
e. She keeps it real and keeps you satisfied.
I’m sorry…I guffawed out loud at c. Summer’s Eve is so ghetto, y’all…!
OK…back to serious Isis mode.
We’ve come up against yet another stereotype made real: the Black man in jail. In 2005, the city of Baltimore, MD reported that 52% of young adult Black males were convicted of a crime and imprisoned. Even though they represent only 14% of the population, they are 40% of the prison population in the US. Much of this is due to Rockefeller drug laws that lay down minimum prison sentencing, plus three-strikes-you’re-out legislation in many states. Dear Author may not be too far off on this one, and that’s a crying shame. But, a woman with bail bondman connections better keep you satisfied. In my opinion, you’re asking an awful lot, even wanting that!
a. She doesn’t know how to act in public.
b. Your mama can’t stand her.
c. You get into with her every other second.
d. She’s willing to fight another girl looking at you or her PERIOD.
e. Her weave colors are distracting and her vocabulary is minimal.
This group may be the only funny group out of the batch. I’ve gotta agree with the weave, because some of it is outta control. The minimal vocab? Ummm…didn’t he complain about the girl that was TOO smart?
7. Ms. Good Girl
a. She’s always there for you.
b. She’s intelligent, classy, kind, sweet and cool.
c. Your mother loves her.
d. You can see yourself falling in love with her.
e. You are her first everything.
f. She makes you feel like a man.
Sounds alright. What’s wrong with this one?
a. She’s an A or B situation either:
A. You’re not gonna get any until ya’ll are married or
B. She said she’s never done – she said she’s never tried – she’s sitting there telling a muthafukkin’ lie.
She’s a virginwhore, then, is what you’re saying? Maybe she just doesn’t want to touch Dear Author until the clinic results come in.
8. Ms. Main
a. She is the one you respect.
b. She probably may know about the others but might not care.
c. She has all the qualities you want in a female.
d. You’ve been with her forever.
We shall call the woman Miss Jane Alice Wempton-Main. She was a proper lady, and a good Wife. She never asked questions, and was a model of circumspection and discretion. She heard from someone that her man was out with his mistress at a party, but was too proud to say anything. She didn’t want expose him to her hurt and pain, because it is better to not draw attention to one’s needs. Miss Jane Alice Wempton-Main died a faithful wife, while her husband was on a business trip (seeing the mistress). She was the belle of the ball…
a. She starts getting very suspicious and calls you every moment.
b. She will devise a plan to catch you in your act and then kick your ass
So, Ms. Main is a good girl who knows better, won’t be played, and has enough sense and intuition to not trust Dear Author. Her friends, and probably your family, tipped her off to his escapades. That’s no more or less than this loser deserves.
9. Ms. Psycho
a. She’s fun and spontaneous.
b. She’s down to earth.
c. She loves you unconditionally.
d. Everything about her is too good to be true. So everyone loves her.
e. She makes you feel loved.
I’m starting to think that our Dear Author is just petrified of anyone that may possibly engage his affections and make him act like a man. There are so many of these out there. Then, when they hurt you, and you find out…
a. Don’t you break up with her. She will stalk your ass.
b. She keeps pictures of you everywhere and knows everything about you.
c. She can manipulate the hell out of you.
d. She will consider herself wifey even if she may just be that chick on the side.
e. Fuckin’ with her can make your life a living hell.
You want to know what happened. You want to vent, scream at him like you have a right to…and you’re psycho for it. He tells you things, but thinks that you’re too invasive. You’re too feeble minded to protect yourself. Yes, fuck her over, and her hurt feelings and need for closure just might make her angry. But, you don’t want the responsibility!
10. Ms. I have a Man
a. She may have a man but she’ll mess with you anyway.
b. She looks good.
c. You have an intense night of passion with her.
Behind every true player is a true playette. This would be the author’s mirror image, come to fuck with him.
a. She’ll always come crying to you about the problems with her man.
b. She’ll get you caught up and then leave you anyway for her man.
c. If you piss her off she’ll get her man to come beat your ass.
d. She’ll unofficially make you her man once she gets pissed off at her real man.
Wait…but…I…I don’t know. My head’s about to explode.
11. Ms. Tease
a. She’s tempting and a nice piece of eye candy.
b. She’s intelligent, athletic, respectable and SEXXXXXXY.
c. She knows how to turn you on without touching you.
d. Everything she does is just so sensual.
e. She can bring you to that point and make you wait to get it.
f. Every time you see her you catch a mini orgasm.
g. Every nigga wants her b/c she’s so mysterious and that makes you want to get her first.
Oh, so Ms. Tease is a woman with taste. She’s probably friends with some of the other ladies that have experience this man’s special brand of caring, and she knows better than to mess with his type. However, she knows that Dear Author has a tiny, tiny brain, and Ms. Flirt will screw with you as revenge for screwing her friends over. Karma, and blue balls, are a bitch.
Or, she could be a tranny.
a. NO matter what you think or do you never get it.
b. She probably has a long distance boyfriend somewhere that you will never know about.
c. She gets you hard and leaves you like that. (Unbearable)
Good. Dear Author, you deserve it. Why don’t you go to one of your numerous ‘hoes on the side?
The following will be explained line by line…
12. MRS. RIGHT
a. She is not sexy, fine, or a dyme she is Beautiful and therefore encompasses all of these descriptions. Virginwhore, A-Class. Gotcha.
b. She is intelligent, sassy, funny, outgoing, determined, strong and classy. Great. Dear Author’ll leave her alone shortly, since she’ll be too much work, then she can date someone worthy of her.
c. She can cook or at least order a meal that is just like your mother’s. ‘sup, Oedipus?
d. Her personality is just as beautiful as her body…meaning that she shuts the hell up unless spoken to.
e. She believes in God and follows his virtues. Oh, she goes to church! Touching. Tell me, do you go with her? Oh, no? Why am I not surprised?
f. She knows that a relationship requires 100% she gives her man an extra 300. She can please her man in any way. Mentally, Spiritually, and Sexually. She does the giving, so you don’t have to!
h. She makes you recognize your full potential as a man and completes you. Any girl that takes half a man is just that…a girl. And he’s looking to fill empty parts of himself that he doesn’t want to work to find. Lazy loser.
i. She’s always there for, no matter what your dreams are. Well, yeah. Dear Author dreams of a freak, and she’ll be there, waiting for him at 2 AM, wondering what the hell happened.
j. She’s not afraid to tell you the truth and set you straight. You’re not afraid to bounce when she’s find you out, either.
k. You can talk to her and confide in her, she’s your best friend. Dear Author has probably alienated everyone at this point with his antics. I’m sure she is. Who else is left?
l. You love being around her more than your boys. So, you ditched them. You have no life that doesn’t involve fucking around on the paragon.
m. You can share your most intimate moments with her without sex. She’s too nice to let you touch her. That’s why.
n. You can have a bad argument with her and have the BEST Mind Numbing and passionate love making fest ever.This probably is the only way that this man will get laid.
o. She’s always willing to find a way to work out your problems and will often take most of your shit. she’ll never walk away or leave you. Well, she is a girl who doesn’t have enough backbone to know better.
p. She’s nothing like any other girl you’ve met. She’s your woman. And you, sir, are a cad.
a. You’ve probably met her, or had her in your life but got too consumed with all the other types that you let her go. That’s why she’s with the tall blond guy from Acquisitions, wearing a huge ring on her finger. Loser. She dropped you, grew up, and got someone real.
As funny as it is to poke fun at these, it’s sad to think that, yeah, this is really how it is in urban neighborhoods today. This is what our young people see. And, I’m sorry to say, it’s not just young Blacks, although they are what this list is for. And it’s not all Black men that are like this…but so, so many of them are.
Notice the sense of entitlement that this author has. It seems like having a “bit on the side” is just fine. Like I said, I really thought that this list was a joke, but I don’t think that it is. I think that someone wrote this with the intent to have guys go, “Yeah, yeah, that’s right. He’s got it.” Cheating is not a joke. Leaving women to raise children alone, in poverty and strife, because it’s not convenient for you is not a joke. Black women dating within an urban environment, dying of AIDS, is not a joke…in fact, if it is, it’s a cruel joke played on the friends and families who have our lives ravaged by this and other diseases.
This list illustrates the divide between our educated Black women and many of the Black men that attempt to woo us. Where do we go from here? My solution is to try and provoke a response by writing entries like this. This list is just the beginning of my thoughts on the wars between the sexes, and the small, internecine skirmishes that occur in places that may fall under the collective radar.
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