41 Things, 12/2/2006: They Stay, They Go

If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away. If he doesn’t want you, nothing can make him stay.

Does the guy that just took your number really want you? Give it a week, and then pick one of these options:

  • A) He calls about three days later, asks if you’re doing anything Saturday afternoon. You go out. He makes another date with you later that day. A sweet little note appears in your email. He can’t stop touching you, whether it’s a gentle caress of your hand, or an arm around your waist. Work gets kind of hectic for him, but he still makes time to call and make plans for a quick after-work drink. You call him, and he is enthusastic about spending time with you; you know this, because he says so.
  • B) He calls about three days later, saying that he’s free that weekend. You come up with plans, and meet up with him. This goes on for a couple of dates. You start to wonder: why isn’t he ever coming up with ideas for things to do? Why does he call you every five days or so? Can’t he text you or email you? He goes out with you, only to say that he’s on the guest list for an event and has to leave. By the by, you heard about the event…and each guest has a +1. If he’s gone a week or so without seeing you, he doesn’t make any special effort to connect at some point to make up for lost time.

If your budding relationship is looking like Option B, I suggest you step back and take a look at what’s going on. It’s painfully obvious that Mr. or Ms. B is making little to no effort to spend time with you. Furthermore, he’s doing nothing to keep you interested. There is a fundamental imbalance in this pairing that must be addressed, even though it may not be worth the work involved. You must also face the fact that you, for some reason, are accepting less than his total affection and attentions.

In the earliest stage of things, the first meeting, that regard is shown by the exchanging of contact information. There is the implicit agreement that they want more of you, too, and that they will make an honest attempt to make that future meeting happen. When you are truly interested in someone, there is little that will keep that person out of your mind. We get hooked on how we feel in thier company, remembering how they smiled and laughed, making us feeling like superstars. Logically, there is the hope that this is reciprocated, and that you will be on the receiving end of some really nice, sexy attention.

I’ll be the first to admit that I like things to be in the man’s hands at this stage. Many men love to be asked out, but I’ll be honest…I’ve had no luck in any circumstance where I’ve done the initial asking out. I’m old fashioned, and I like to be courted, even though other women may not. Otherwise, I think that the person who expressed thier interest in the first place needs to be the person that makes that first contact. YOU want the number, YOU want the date. Otherwise, why bother?

If things go positively, and there’s a desire to become more attached and intimate, there is the issue of balance. In other words, there should be some sort of effort, on the part of both parties, to keep the lines of communication flowing to everyone mutual satisfaction. What makes a relationship is time, work, and bonding, and both parties must honestly wish to contribute the raw materials to make anything grow. Because, hey, the basis comes down to this: friendship. The point is that a true, strong friendship makes the relationship. This friendship must be without reservation, and must be developed with the highest regard for the others’ feelings. If there is reservation, the nervous party is going to make excuses, and therein lies the problem.

Friendships can’t thrive without an honest try at bonding. An unavailable person will not be a friend; they’ll give you enough to make an acquaintanceship, if that much. The unwillingness to share time is a pretty big way to make and keep distance, no matter what the other person says or does. How can respect grow from a vacuum? It can’t, and any kind of meaningful companionship certainly won’t grow.

We will feel the lack at some point. For me, I started to wonder about my place in that person’s life. Why didn’t they want to impress me, since I was going to great lengths to impress them? Laziness? Could be, which shows that the person in question is probably spoiled as hell and will not appreciate anything you ever do for them. Shyness? That’s an option, but email’s changed all that. I’m pretty introverted – but I can write my ass off, and I’ll make a point of asking for email or MySpace addies rather than numbers just because of this. In other words, I work with it. Shadiness? Ahhhh, a big one. They could already have someone and be cheating. Trust your instincts on this one. If they refused to hang out with you on the big “date nights”, Friday and Saturday, then there’s someone else. Being busy? Uh, yeah. If you can check your MySpace, you can write, “What’s up, girl? How was your day?” That took me about a second and a half. There is no excuse for neglect.

I know that my time is valuable, and that I’m fun to be around. That means, of course, that any smart man would make it his business to make time to add that fun to his life. What value do you place on your time and company? If the value is high, then you’ll probably not wait around for a negligent prospect to figure himself out. If the value is low, you may tolerate more dodging and ducking than is healthy. You may make excuses: he doesn’t want to introduce me to his friends, he wants to move slowly, she doesn’t know what her schedule for the weekend will be. No, no, no. If the beach or the party is something that you like, and they know this, then they should want you there at thier side. If they want to move slowly, seduce them on the tenth date, not the second. If they don’t know thier schedule for the weekend, the quickest remedy for that is to make solid plans with you; voila! they have something concrete to plan around!

Always know that you’re a privilege, not a right, and certainly not an imposition. You are worth more than a relationship built on unreturned calls and fantasies of Friday night candlelight dinners that never materialize. Anyone that can’t man up enough to be honest with you in the very beginning probably isn’t worth your time or energy. Also remember, they are making no effort to sell you on their positive attributes, because they aren’t prepared to share or make room for someone else in thier lives. Stay away from these people at all cost. They’re a waste of time, and you could be in the arms of someone who wants to treat you like gold.

Next up: Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior.

Related Posts:

41 Things: Preface

41 Things: Excuses And Thier Abuses


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~ by isiskali on December 2, 2006.

6 Responses to “41 Things, 12/2/2006: They Stay, They Go”

  1. Whoa…this was just..AWESOME! These were my instincts when I first started goin’ out after my seperation. Much as I hate to admit it, I’m a little more of Option B than I thought. Not to say I would out and out do those things but you truly hit it on the mark when you said your time is valuable and to play on that would not be right. That was pretty much my motto: if I ain’t got time to give her the attention she deserves, don’t lead her on, even if she’s feelin’ me a little. She’s attractive and you’d love to be with her, but she’s not a booty call. She’s fun to be around but she shouldn’t be hangin’ ’round the phone all day waitin’ for you to show up when you’re ready. readin’ this means I’ve really got to make more personal changes if I’m goin’ back out there in the dating world. If that means nothin’ comes of it, so be it. At least I know no one got hurt in the process, and that’s the important thing.

    Again, this was just effin’ awesome!


  2. OMG woman. You are wise for one so young. If he’s “just not that into you”, there is no point in “wasting the pretty”. Time to move on. My last lover (methinks you knew him) took me for granted, said he’d call, then didn’t, said he’d he be there, and wasn’t. A real Mr. Invisible and now he is invisible to me.Apparently, he was busy courting others throughout our “relationship”. I love to be courted too and have the full attention of my man. My ex was under the mistaken impression that he was “all that” and was looking for a little something-something on the side. Add a violent temper and that equals Loser. Too bad, so sad. I don’t know anyone who would wanna hit that. I am content holding out for the right one. No fixer-uppers for me anymore. It is so liberating not settling for anything less than I deserve. I have faith that the Right One and I will meet sooner or later. In the meantime, Girl Power rules the day!

  3. *blush!* Thank you, guys!

    So much of successful dating…hell, successful LIVING, hinges on placing some kind of value on yourself. Realizing that those changes need to happen, though, isn’t even half the battle…it’s more like a quarter, because then, you have to put it into practice. That’s the hardest part, no?

  4. So, any advice you can impart on a 46-yr old male returning to the dating scene? Be brutally honest if you have to. I have the utmost respect for your comments and critques and I will take them seriously and constructively!

    I really think you got something here!


  5. […] 41 Things, 12/11,06: They Stay, They Go […]

  6. […] 41 Things, 12/2/06: They Stay, They Go […]

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